it's my secret

You think it’s okay. You’ve always thought we were okay.

I don’t see how you could ever believe that. I don’t know why anyone would want to know my secret. It’s a pain that no one should know. It’s a pain that no one can understand. It’s a pain that I would never want anyone to feel.

Each of my memories is preserved in a glass box in my head. Each as fragile as the next. Your words cut through my head like a bullet though the silent air, and shattered that glass box. The pieces scattered into my heart. Time has pulled the bigger pieces out, but the little ones are still there. All my thoughts, ideas, and trust, were destroyed.

It never stops, it never has. Once this started, there was no way for it to stop. I thought it would. I thought I could fix it. Just like I fix everything else that goes wrong with my life. But I couldn’t stop that. I didn’t see that coming. How could I?

Each time you lash, my heat bleeds. I try to put walls up, to shut you out so that you can’t hurt me anymore. But each time it fails. Each time I think it will be different, and each time you destroy me. And I still come back. Your blood runs though me. And every day I wish it didn’t. Every day I wish I was someone else. I wish to be someone completely different. Someone who doesn’t have to wear this mask to hide my pain.

You try so hard no to be him. But every day you become more like him. He’s a two-faced bastard. We all know that. You’re the only one still sticking up for him. Because you fear him. But I don’t fear you. I learned you live on my fear. I found my anger could keep me strong for a little while. At least as long as you were near.

Don't you see? my secret is that........

I still love you.